Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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