I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
