Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
