can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
