I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
