I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
