K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
