I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
