i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
