Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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