Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
This is classic penis vs brain.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
