Hey man sorry I got all grabby
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
