Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
