Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
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