isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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