It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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