Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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