I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
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If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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