is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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