quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize