I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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