Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
