note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
