Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
So squirting runs in the family.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
