WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
