Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
