if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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