I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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