Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
