recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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