I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
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Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
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Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
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