and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
