she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
