he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
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We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
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You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I would fuck him just for his dog
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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