genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Randomize
