There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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