i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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