There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
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I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
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If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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