Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
