Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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