How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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