i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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