I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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