he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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