so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize