The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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