shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Randomize
