Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
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