her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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