were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
