Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
