My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
and she was petting her beer can
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
