I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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