She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
