Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
