either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
