Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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