I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Found the puke drawer
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
