roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
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